A Joyful dick pic rant

Posted: August 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

I struggled with the title to this post. Every fucking time I rant, people come back and correct me, and the end result is me looking like a jackass. There are people out there that get off on correcting peoples rants. I picture them as vultures circling around the internet looking for road kill rants to devour. They will see this post, and wonder what does Joy carrion taste like?

Because I don’t rant often (my self-esteem will not allow it) Joy rants are like a delicacy, and I am currently picturing three people in particular that are putting on their bibs, and sharpening their knives ready to dive in. I decided to add rant to my title, so that way, I will have at least three readers. (BOOM)

So, awhile ago one of my writer friends (I will not name her, because I don’t know if she wants to be associated with me . . . Don’t worry, I get it, I don’t want to be associated with me either) wrote a Twitter post (not verbatim) about how she is sick of people following her, and then immediately shoving their books, Facebook pages, store for dog hats etc… down her throat. They don’t even give her foreplay before shoving it in not even worrying if she is wet (damn that was over 144 characters)

I laughed at the way she went about expressing her frustrations, but wholeheartedly agreed. It is annoying, and wearisome to have an advertisement thrust in your face as soon as you connect with a person. I get that there are different standards on the internet, than the real world.

I am hoping these people do not conduct themselves in this manner at let’s say . . . the grocery store. I have yet to come across someone in person that is like,

Hi I’m Asshole, will you please go over here and click that you like my book 

(I took liberties on the name.)

I feel people need to step back, and start thinking about conducting themselves online as they would in a real life situation.

( Yes, I can hear the wings flapping, getting ready to descend, and start picking this apart. I see you lurking about, but hold on let me finish.)

I understand that the internet allows you some form of ambiguity if you decide to use it. It also allows you to reinvent yourself completely, if you wish.

I feel there are two extremes people hover around.

The dark and mysterious person that refuses to reveal anything personal at all. (These people draw others in, because people want to know more about the mystery. They crave it, and therefore follow this dark mass around hoping to find some shred of personal information. The mysterious bad boy/girl of the internet)

Then, there is the other extreme, where a person explains where they are at all times. An open book. . .

@pleasecomestalkme is checking in at the morgue (I took liberties with the name again.)

There is nothing wrong with either, except if you are telling people where you are at all times, you might be inviting a serial killer to stab your ass. (Someone else’s observation, not mine.) The open book concept draws people in because people feel like they know you, and connect with you on a certain level.

I myself try to find a happy medium of the two. I have certain things that I keep secret for the protection of myself, but my past is an open book. I have no problem telling you what corner I was on this day. ten years ago.

Ok, back on topic. Around the same time that this twitter post was made, about having the decency of buying someone a drink before shoving their Uhm… book down a persons throat, another tweet was posted by another friend.   She posted a plea for people to stop hitting on her, and that they needed to stop mistaking Twitter for Match.com. This tweet was priceless, and I actually went so far as to make a meme with that saying on it.

Honestly, in a roundabout way this is the same problem. Most people do not go up to someone in the grocery store, and say,

Hey I think you are hot, here is a picture of my dick (is it sad that I can see this scenario happening,  more than the buy my book one?)

Creepy men stop it.

If you feel the need to hit on someone on the internet, at least get to know them first before sending the dick pic, that is burning a hole in your phone. (side note if your dick is burning, you need antibiotics)

Don’t just thrust your penis picture into the face of an unsuspecting woman, give her some foreplay first (or just don’t do it…your call) I will give you advice right now, most women find witty banter more of a turn on, than that damn burning dick pic. Try to conduct yourself with some decency, you too women.

I won’t even start on the women tonight.

I really feel bad for the decent men out there. All these thrusting dick pic’s has made women overly cautious of the male gender. Banning a poor unsuspecting man, before he can even strike up a conversation. I couldn’t tell you how many posts I have read on Facebook, about women (mostly authors) stating that they were no longer accepting friend requests from men.

Dear men sending dick pics,

You are hurting your gender. Please, for the sake of the decent men out there, please desist the phallic harassment. There are men out there, that have some form of art they have created, and they want to get it out there. (by art I am not referring to you dick pic’s with a diamond necklace hanging off of it) You are a detriment to their success, and I am sure they would kick you in the phone gallery, if they knew what you are doing to their business.

I am mainly friends with writers, and readers on social media, and most of them are women. Someone made the observation that the writing world is predominately women.  Women read, women write (it is another form of talking for us) With this mentality you would assume that women are the gender you want to connect with to get your work seen. With all these dick pic’s, and request to see our boob’s, it is creating a road block, or should I say cock block, for the male author.

I am worried that society is going to deteriorate, and the new form of finding a partner online will be . . . DICK, AND TIT PIC’S (Yeah, I totally made that website up.) I could actually see it coming into fruition. (Shake my head)

I feel like I need to give some unsolicited advice to the dick pic men of the world wide web.

I get it, you see a woman who has posted a picture that gets your little man picture worthy. Let me warn you, that selfie they posted, probably took at least 20 times to perfect. Selfies are hard work. Of course we are trying to put our best face forward (well except for me. My freaking picture is one I took in my tiny unorganized bathroom, with the plunger in the background. I honestly thought that this would deter men from sending me dick pics. It didn’t. I have a file on my computer of them. Don’t ask why I keep them, because I have no idea. I figure they are like dental records, and well I need material for my new website.)

These selfies are just pictures. They do not tell you who this person is.

Let me tell you who the person you are sending a dick pic to is. (Are you ready?)

They are a human. Human’s are genetically annoying, and imperfect. We have quirks, and weird shit that we do on a daily basis. Some chew with their mouth’s full, some talk baby talk, some say supposebly (cringe) Don’t you feel you owe it to yourself to get to know this person? Because most likely you aren’t going to like them (not always, but most of the time.) This is your most prized appendage, do some research, before snapping a pic of you thunder stick. ( I also find it funny, that you are trying to show off something, that in reality you are looking for a dark wet place to hide it. It is like a perverted hide and seek.)

Yeah, totally veered off there.   Sorry. I bet some of you are wondering what it is like to drive with me. Does she veer off into other lanes, and then swerve back? Find that shit out before adding to my file of dic pic’s. Research, research, research . . .

Yeah, not sure about this post. I will leave you with this…

(Why I say selfies are hard work: You look in the mirror, think ok I am picture worthy, and snap the thing. You look at your phone, and then back at the mirror. One of them is lying. One of them says that you are hot, the other is urging you to dial 911 because you just had a mini stroke. You take it again, and again, and again. Then finally you get one that somewhat matches the mirror, and send it off to social media.)

Alright vultures you may now descend, and please don’t forget your carrion. Thank you for flying Air Joy.Screenshot_2014-07-11-21-46-53-1Screenshot_2014-07-11-21-45-45-1

  1. knrwrites says:

    I love this. There’s loads of humor but you basically said exactly what I think sometimes. Thank goodness I’ve never had a richard pic, I must have wound up with the socially mature guy friends.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. […] heyitsmejoy on A Joyful dick pic rant […]

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you. There are other ways to market besides blindly shoving pages, books, and pimping material at everyone in sight. The dick pics make me shudder.

    Liked by 1 person

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