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I wanted to post this on Friday, but I have been non-stop since coming back from Vegas. So many things happened in Vegas that I decided to break the trip in half.

Thursday I had to wait until JM got off work before we could leave. Trips stress me the fuck out. I am not the biggest fan of change especially to my routine. So after many mind anxiety filled moments we were on the road. We had to drop some thing off with my parents before we could actually hit the road. This meant a detour to Bakersfield the half-way point.

My parents were stuck in traffic so we decided to wait at a park. I went ghetto and touched up my toe-nails while sitting on the grass (I know, but it is Bakersfield so I didn’t feel too bad.) I was then dared to get on the monkey bars. I tried to get out of it. I explained I was too old to be playing on the damn monkey bars, but in the end my dumb ass relented. I am proud to say I got to three before I fell on my ass (the third bar was slippery) because I didn’t want to ruin my newly painted nails I maneuvered myself so I landed on my hip and wrist feet up in the air.

A little girl about three or so ran up to me pointed at me and summoning her best Nelson from the Simpsons laughed. Yes I deserved it, and it made me laugh. There were probably only about thirty people in the park, but in my imagination there had to be about fifty. JM did an impressive job stifling his laugh. Yeah, who the hell am I kidding.

After leaving my parents (No I did not tell them about my small stint as a gymnast.) We were officially on the road. Well, after I popped JM’s Sonic cherry that is. I haven’t had Sonic since coming back from Texas. I missed it.

On the four hour drive JM was very sweet in not mentioning my monkey bar fail. He only burst out laughing every thirty minutes or so. Usually that was followed by a “Hey, remember when you tried to do the monkey bars?” or “You fell” I know what a nice guy.

We finally made it to Vegas. Yay!!!

We stayed on Fremont Street because I found a killer deal. So really for the rest of the night we walked around downtown people watching.

That night while getting ready for bed I realized that I had forgot to pack a bra. I am so used to wearing sports bras that I completely forgot that I needed to wear big girl bras in public.

So the next morning JM and I went on a bra adventure before I was able to do anything. We found a mall on the outskirts of town. Being in Vegas I didn’t think that finding a DDD bra would be a big deal. Stupid me for thinking.

I went through Sears, JC Penny’s and I couldn’t tell you how many more only to see DD tags galore. JM found a Victoria Secret. I explained that there is no way they would have a DDD. He marched right in asked the lady and of course she pulls me over and hands me two different bras. Finding a proper cage for the girls I removed the tag and made JM pay for it so I could walk out with in a real big girl bra. (So do any of you get my post title yet?)

After bolting the girls on we made our way to Planet Hollywood where The Novel Experience was being held. Friday was the VIP event which I didn’t pay for so I really wasn’t allowed to go in yet. I went and wished Rebecca luck before getting kicked out. The authors wanted to go on a pub crawl after the VIP experience so JM and I walked around while they did their thing.

At nine I shouted out on FB asking where the pub crawl was starting. I swear it went radio silent right after I posted. It was like high school all over again. (Kidding) After a while I figured that they were having too much fun, and told JM I wanted to go back to downtown. He calmed me down and told me to wait. They finally answered me, and coincidentally we were right in front of the bar they were at. I chickened out. I didn’t want to go. JM had to practically push me into the bar.

As soon as I walked in everyone was so nice to me. Julie Morgan handed me a sticker tattoo spider thingy that I stuck on my cheek (this comes into play later) We were all having a good time when four guys from the UK crashed our party. They must have just turned 21 because they were bouncing around like baby goats. We ended up dubbing them the puppies.

Some of the authors let the puppies sign their boobs. Thankfully mine were covered. I got away with out being signed until I stupidly showed my friend Dayna my batman tattoo. The puppies saw it, and pounced. While they were signing one of them kept rubbing his thumb on my side. I screamed and asked him if he was licking me. He explained it was just his thumb. I told him to stop licking me with his thumb. This is how I ended up with two squirting penises on my back.

Even with accents they still couldn’t be mistaken for mature.

We left the puppies shortly after and ended up at the Rock Bar. This is also where I lost my license. Damn bull.

When the adorable little waitress asked me what I wanted to drink I drew a complete blank. What are the odds they would have diet Pepsi and Red Licorice Vodka? I asked her. They didn’t. I told her that I would leave it up to her, and to make it pretty.

She saw the tattoo on my cheek and tried to wipe it off. She then realized it was a fake tattoo, and started to laugh. I told her I knew  that I had swallowed everything. I made a fan.

When she came back she handed me two pink drinks. (did I mention it was buy one get one free?) I asked her what it was, and she told me it was sex on the beach. I asked her, “If you have sex on the beach and get sand in your vagina would you make pearls?” Some how I ended up with a free bull ride.

We danced. Well….they danced I bobbed. I can’t dance. Alicia the Bookwhore can however dance. I am still in awe at her moves.

This is Alicia with two men who were trying to see how far they could stretch what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

After dancing we made our way to the bull.

There was a man on the bull that kept unbuttoning his shirt. He saw a group of women and decided to throw on the charm. He asked if we thought he could stay on the bull for twenty seconds. I yelled up at him telling him if he unbuttoned his shirt another button he probably could.

After he was knocked off rather quickly I might add he came over to us telling us it is harder than it looked. I told him that we were women and used to taking a pounding. He left quickly after that.

I am a big talked. I thought I had gotten away with it too. When most of the girls had their turn on the bull I tried to get them outside to see the Bellagio fountains. They weren’t having none of that. Alicia came to my rescue and we ended up riding double on that damn bull.

This is where I lost my license. It is either residing near the bull’s ass or Alicia’s vagina.

After getting bucked off. (the bra held them firmly in place.) We went to watch the fountains. I decided they looked like synchronized ejaculations.

I took flat Ella Emerson with me. There are more pictures on other peoples camera somewhere.