Archive for December, 2014

2014 in review

Posted: December 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 35 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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It is the time of year we celebrate a virgin giving birth. As the child shivered in the cold people were bestowing silver and gold to the infant. (Not one blanket was mentioned.) Yes, I know he was saddled. This is all for comedy purposes. Nobody needs to get their panties in a knot. (Joy advice…don’t wear panties. Problem solved.)
A lot of comedy is based on coincidences that naturally occur in life. When something happens and the timing is so impeccably perfect that your mind explodes, causing laughter to burst out of you. It makes life a little easier.
Life is hard, but every once in awhile life will toss us a bone. Laugh, you’ll feel better. There are times that you may be mortified, and the laughter will not surface until years later. Giggle when it is time.
When the story I am about to tell happened it was the summer of my sophomore to junior year in high school. (I was about 16 years old.) At the time this story happened I was horrified. I am able to laugh now.
I was on the green lawn surrounded by band nerds,  and colorguard. My best friend was in colorguard, and convinced me to join so we could hang out. I was way out of my comfort zone.
We were in a large circle as the band instructor was going on and on about things not to do. As he explained not to lock your knees, I decide to demonstrate (not intentionally.)
From what has been explained to me, I was standing with everyone else, when my locked knees allowed me to sway in a perfect  circle before falling face first onto the grass bouncing not once but twice. Supposedly the band director pointed at me and said “like that.” (That’s me always willing to demonstrate.)
I came to seconds after my final bounce. A female band instructor ran to me, and helped me roll over.
She looked at me concerned and asked, “are you pregnant?”
My immediate response,”how long was I out?”
I was at this period in time, innocent. Seriously, my only boyfriend at that point in time was a male cheerleader (you do the math on that one.) I look the same as I did in high school (more meat on my bones) so no boys were banging down my door to date me. Figuring my name was still Joy and not Mary, I was staring at the band instructor with horror on my face as she stared back in confusion.
I whispered that I was not hymen challenged.
That whole year I was known as Rosemary. After getting over my initial embarrassment, I was able to laugh about it. Telling the band boys that they didn’t have to drug me to impregnate me with their demon spawn. (Kidding)
This story has followed me forever, and the American Pie movie made it even worse.
Why?
Let me explain.
After high school I went out on one date with this weird guy. 
We were talking about school, and his time as a “marine sniper” (yeah, totally believed that one.) He was telling me about people passing out. I was excited because I had my own story. I start my story with,
This one time at band camp….
He finishes with…well you know.
I was shocked, and confused. (I didn’t play flute.)
To make it up to me on our one date he took me to see American Pie. That whole date was a disaster, but that is another story in itself.
Coincidences…life’s way of saying, “sorry about being an asshole, here watch this.” Thank you life, I accept your apology. 😉

Dream a little dream

Posted: December 14, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am positive I am not the only person that has full blown movie dreams. I am talking fully cast with actor/actresses (credits do not roll at the end.)
I have movie dreams a couple (if not more) times a year. Years ago I had a dream staring Chevy Chase. It had something to do with a hotel. Unfortunately, I do not remember the plot of this dream, but it was hilarious. How do I know that it was hilarious? Because I woke myself up laughing. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was unable to stop giggling.
I was sad that I couldn’t remember the plot of that particular dream as it entertained me for quite awhile.
Fortunately, I had another dream that entertained me and I was able to remember most of the plot.
Cast:
Jason Lee
Elizabeth Banks
Craig Bierko
Joseph Fiennes
And others.

Jason Lee’s father was a scoundrel. He owned a handyman business and took people’s money.
Jason comes back to town after his father passed away and opens up a car mechanic shop. The shop was suffering as Jason lives under the shadow of his fathers reputation.
Joseph is a friend from high school. He owns a HVAC company. Joseph has to go out of town unexpectedly. He asks Jason to help out at a job he was unable to make it to. Jason agrees.
There a lot of cars parked in front of the building he is working at, but he pays no mind as he crawls into an air duct vent.
The building is housing a type of cult meeting. Craig is the leader of this meeting. The crowd consists of senior citizens, and Elizabeth.
Jason was now over the meeting and able to hear the conversation happening under him.
Craig was trying to convince his elderly followers that he was able to communicate with god. Jason is baffled at the speech Craig was going on and on about. When Craig announces his special connection with god Jason slips and hits a circuit board cutting out the electricity.
The followers gasp in shock.
Jason calls out, “hello.” The air vent made his voice sound powerful.  The followers start murmuring as Jason’s word echoes about.
One of the followers calls out, “is this the almighty?”
Jason is about to answer that he is not, but snaps his mouth shut. He realizes this could be the answer to his financial woes. He had seen most of the cars driving around town. Being that he was mechanically inclined he knew what cars needed his assistance. He was also observant of most of the personal lives of the towns people. With little to no business people watching was now a hobby to pass the day with.
“Yes, I am the almighty,” Jason answered.
The voices rise as they talk louder. Craig tries to get the crowd under control but nobody is paying attention to him.
Craig gets everyone’s attention by stating he was the one that brought the almighty to them. Jason rolling his eyes fixes the circuit board and switches on the lights. He is able to see the crowd below through a tiny hole in the air vent.
He hushes Craig’s attempt to take all the credit.
Jason spots an elderly couple that he noticed had balding tires, and another that needed a new exhaust system. He tells them that they need to have these fixed, and to use his shop. They grumble that he is just like his father, and they didn’t trust him. He assures them that his shop is fair, and he is nothing like his father
He also tells an elderly woman that her granddaughter is skipping school.
The meeting ends with murmurs of what the members had just witnessed.
The next day the two couples that needed car maintenance showed up. He did the work and they thanked him. Whispering that the almighty was right.
The next week they have another meeting, and he crawls back into the air duct. This is when he notices Elizabeth. He names more things that he observed in the town,  and stated that Elizabeth needed maintenance on her car. He could tell she was resistant to the notion that that the almighty was talking to her.
The elderly lady hits her in the shoulder, and states loudly that she would make sure her niece took her car in the very next day.
Sure enough Elizabeth and her aunt show up at the shop the next day. The aunt takes a walk and Elizabeth stays behind to keep an eye on her car.
Elizabeth is very standoffish toward Jason. He retorts back to one of her snide comments that she is the one attending cult meetings. She explains she is doing it to make sure her aunt doesn’t get taken advantage of.
Weeks go by and Jason’s business is taking off. Romance starts to blossom between him and Elizabeth.
Craig hating that his cult is following someone else and not him, he exposes Jason.
The backlash ruins Jason’s reputation worse than it was before. The residents write cruel things on the store wall. They mess with him refusing to serve him in restaurants and stores.
Before Jason was exposed he gave the advice to one of the elderly couples to get their brakes checked. Craig tells them that the almighty said their brakes are done.
The couple gets into an accident. Jason visits them at the hospital where he runs into Elizabeth. They start talking and other members of the cult come over and apologize.
Elizabeth and Jason become a couple and Craig gets what he deserves.

Black Friday adventure

Posted: December 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

Thanksgiving. The day where you look forward to stuffing your face with a ridiculous amount of food before waddling off to get the latest and greatest deals.

Did I stuff my face?

Fuck-n-a I did.

Did I waddle my ass into every store open at the ass crack of dawn?

You know it.

I will admit I never once thought to do black Friday. Four years ago my, uhmmmmm….let’s call her my sister (because I don’t know what else to call her) asked if I wanted to go. I don’t get out of the house much so I thought of it as a girls night out.

Also, my sister likes to state her opinion a lot. Now she has warned me to never mention her on this blog. I have respected her wishes (even though she doesn’t read this damn thing) up until now. She kind of gave me permission to write this (granted it was three in the morning and our make-up made us both look like deranged psychopaths.)

Because my sister likes to state her opinion I am usually there to calm the situation down. She is a tiny little thing, and most of the time I can just tuck her under my arm and carry her around like a purse. I never understood why the tiny ones have the biggest opinions. In fact my whole family has no problem stating if they do not like something. I am the sidewalk, and get called out a lot when I let people get away with rudeness. My family, not so much.

You need an example . . .

Me and my Napoleon sized sister were in Costco about four years ago.

We are walking down the aisle when we come across a woman’s shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. In my sisters defense she did say excuse me to the woman a couple of times to get her attention so she could move her cart. This is where her and I differ.

With me, two things would have happened.

1. I would have waited until the lady moved her cart

2. I would have moved the cart gently out of the way, and went on my way.

My sister pulls back the cart and launches it into the woman’s cart, while yelling excuse me. (I know, I should have saw it coming.)

Does it end there?

Hell, no.

As we are walking past the lady, my sister looks at my shocked face and says “What she acted like she owns the store.”

The lady turns to us, and says, “I do own the store.”

This is about the time I am tucking my sister under my arm and carrying her off. Of course to placate the situation, I turn to the lady and tell her, “we really enjoy your store, maybe you should think about expanding the aisles.”‘

This is just one arm tucking incident.

I will admit I like going out on black Friday. I have met many nice people. (when you are in line with people for hours you tend to bond.) I have yet to have anything awful happen to me on my excursions, this is mostly because I refuse to fight for an item, and if someone grabs it from me I take Elsa’s advice and “let that fucker go.” (I am pretty sure that was how Disney originally had written that song.)

Once again I met some pretty awesome people this year. I did something stupid though, I left my sister alone, and went off to seek out books that were on sale. Honestly, I would have never left her if it wasn’t for books. I mean really books, on sale. That is like unleashing a siren’s call. As I was hunting down the song of the siren my sister was waiting for some electronic doo-hickey. When the whatever it was became available my sister grabbed what she had patiently waited in line for and went in search for me, that was until some dude took the box right out of her hands.

Somebody saw what had happened, and handed her a box with the electronic gizmo in it. She found me and told me the story. She said she was in shock that someone would actually take something out of her hand that she didn’t think to not take the gizmo from the person that gave it to her. She felt bad that someone was out of some fucking electronic thing just because some ass stole hers.  I immediately tucked her under my arm, and got her the fuck out of the store. (I’m kidding) We shopped and left. No other incidents to report.

Now when we went outside a couple employees were having their smoke break. They saw my sister and the electronic whatchamacallit. I then received the full story.

She was the talk of the store. Why? Because my tiny ass sister screamed “that’s my fucking box.” to a man four times her size. (she does not remember yelling at him.) Unbeknownst to us the store had security in plain clothing walking around. (none of them thought they would actually see any action. As most people are capable of being civilized.) One lucky security guard got to see some action. The box that my sister received was in fact the same box that was taken out of her hands.

The employees outside having their break energetically explained to us that because nothing else like that has ever happened, my sister was the talk of the store. My sister then gave me permission to blog about her experience. (acting like it happened to me of course. Being that she doesn’t read this, and I would have let it fucking go I decided to tell the truth.) I was hoping for more to write about, but really nothing happened on Friday. Saturday, I went to work and life moved on.

Now Christmas is coming up at super sonic speed. My name is everywhere. I have branded the month of December. I love it. It is my way of stalking people without having to make any effort (stalking just seems like a lot of work.) With my name everywhere I will always be in the back of your mind. Haha…super genius level…Achieved.