Archive for February, 2016

Death of a heating blanket

Posted: February 26, 2016 in accents, authors, customer service, heated blanket, Uncategorized
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As most of you know I live in Southern California. The land of golden sunshine. This may be hard for you to believe…but sometimes it gets cold. (I swear I could actually hear the collective sigh of disgust from anyone living east of me)
For Christmas I received a heated throw blanket. I loved it. It kept me warm and cozy at night while I edited Surviving Faith. It was the blanket form of a shot of Jager.
Then it happened I reached over my bed to press the button of heat, (yeah that could go another way) and the light didn’t go on. I refused to think my heated friend had left me so I went through the house trying different outlets. I finally admitted defeat, but refused to go quietly into the night. So like anyone who wants to vent their personal business, I tweeted my experience.
I cannot tell you my surprise when Therapedic tweeted me back telling me to email them. Honestly I didn’t think they would be able to do anything because I didn’t have the receipt since it was a Christmas gift. Because I didn’t think they would be able to do anything I sent them the weirdest email just so I would have something to feel better about myself.
This is what I sent them…
I tweeted that the heated throw I received for Christmas, died yesterday, February 3. Surprisingly, I received a tweet back to send an email to this address.
Unfortunately, I do not have the receipt because it was a gift. So I’m not sure if you can do anything. I will commend you for your customer service. Good Job.
I loved my blanket all the way until it’s death. I’m wearing black today for my mourning period.
I used it at night when I was editing my fourth novel. Yesterday the lights wouldn’t turn on. I tried it with many different outlets. Because I honestly didn’t want to admit my blanket had departed to the heated bed in the sky.
I’ve been very careful not to bend the wires and at no point was it wadded up in a ball. (When editing ones mind does drift, and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve procrastinated many times by reading the warning tag)
I tried to be treat my blanket with the up most respect as I have a tendency to have very bad luck with Christmas presents. If it’s broke it was mine. Anyways that is my sad tale of my deceased blanket.
Thank you for listening.
Joy Eileen

Imagine my surprise when Susan from Therapedic wrote me back almost immediately. We ended up talking on the phone. By the Way Susan has a bad ass east coast accent, and I think one of my next characters needs to emulate it. I felt like I had made a friend from the back and forth emails, and she was awesome.
Susan was amazing. She not only sent me a replacement blanket I also received another pocket blanket and a pair of slippers that won’t be on the market until March.
Therapedic went above and beyond what I had expected. I’m actually sitting her under my new blanket while I type this. I have worked customer service for many years before I started massage therapy and I understand how hard it is to hear people complain all day.
I love my new blankets and I haven’t taken my slippers off since I opened them.
There are good companies out there. Companies who hire people who have bad ass accents that are willing to help.
Thank you Therapedic….

My final wishes…

Posted: February 20, 2016 in Uncategorized
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I recently went to a funeral for my great aunt. I won’t go into details on the funeral itself, but I started thinking of what I would want at my funeral.
There has always been two songs that I’ve known forever would be played at my funeral.

Pink Floyd’s Wish you were here (yes it’s a little fucked up to want this song, but it means a lot to me)
And
Green Day’s Good Riddance
Then a medley of all the awesome songs on my Spotify (this consists mostly of Halestorm) could happen afterward.
I don’t want it in a church. No religious spewing that I made it to my reward. (sorry but I didn’t feel fuzzy and warm when death was called a reward)
I want a party instead of a funeral where everyone wears comfy clothes. Pj’s, yoga pants, slippers, flip flops, or no shoes at all. Anyone who has received a massage knows I don’t wear shoes while I work.
No crying for me 😢. I want everyone to have some of their favorite Joy stories to share. A roast so to speak. Laugh. I lived a life where I did some asinine things revel in it
As for my carcass burn my ass ( the only time I’ll be considered hot) and put me in a Batman action figure.
I want to be the coolest, funnest, dead grandma ever. I want my grandkids to play with me.
I can picture it now
Joey hit me with Grandma
Joey won’t share Grandma.
I’m not sure why little Joey is such an ass, but I have a feeling he will be my favorite.
So there you have it. My wishes.
Yes this is what I think about when I drive alone for three hours on very little sleep. Lol

Tales from the Table Returns

Posted: February 12, 2016 in authors, comedy, humor, massage
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One of my favorite posts was stories that happened while I was in my massage room. I haven’t posted Tales from the Table is awhile. I’m sure most of you have figured out by now that I have a talent for sticking my foot in my mouth. In fact i do it so often I have contemplated on many occasions if i should stick my feet in chocolate before leaving the house.

I have had two encounters lately where I wished my little tootsies were bathed in chocolate because I shoved them down my throat without any foreplay.

#1 Fruitcake oops

Normally when I walk into the room while I am adjusting the sheet and making sure everything is ready for the massage I will ask the patient if there is anything new I need to know about. This is the time they will tell me about any aches or pains they would like me to work on. Sometimes I will get some inappropriate responses. This was not one of those times.
I was massaging a patient who I have been seeing for many years now. The first time I massaged him I thought he was gay. I was super excited because I figured we would become the best of friends, and he maybe he would give me some fashion advice. Sadly he wasn’t gay but just a really amazing dresser. He is actually married with five kids. (Someday my gay prince will come and rescue me from Batman t-shirts and jeans)
Usually he will tell me everything hurts and to just fix him before going quiet. It sucks so much when a patient is quiet. I usually use the time to fix plot holes in my books. This particular time (right after Christmas) he told me that he ate way too much fruitcake. So much fruitcake he felt his muscles were full of the dessert.
Anyways… at the end of the massage as I was walking out of the room I turned to him and said, “I think I got all the fruitcake out of you.”
Our eyes locked in shock and I slithered away to wash the lotion and fruitcake embarrassment off my forearms.

#2 Starbucks and handjobs

If you have seen the movie Idiocracy the title will be hilarious. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. I will warn you and say it is terrifying because it is something that could happen very easily.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Anyways… I was once again in my dark little room with a naked man face down. This patient is also a long time patient of mine. He is a tad bit of a perv but I love him anyway. I try not to say things that he can use against me. I’m going to claim tiredness and allergies to the slip I made a couple of weeks ago.
When I walked in he was in position face down ready for my hands to do their magic, but I had yet to touch him.
Patient…I already feel the tension going away.
Me…(Smartass remark ready for fire) Well then you lay here for an hour and I’m going to go get a Starbucks.
Patient…No wait I still need you.
I start the massage and the conversations stops for a minute or two.
Patient…would it be better if I brought you a Starbucks?
Me.. No because then I would want to drink it and I would end up massaging you with one hand (As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to grab them back. I had just given him ammunition and the massage was only five minutes in)
Patient… Well I don’t see a problem with that. Hell I will bring you three so you can massage me with one hand for the full hour.
Me…I don’t think you would be able to last the full hour. Just bring me a tall.

We both ended up bursting into laughter, because hell sometimes things are too funny not to laugh.

If you need some more cringe worthy moments please feel free to click the link below to read some of my other Tales from the Table.

Tales from the Table

Lzzy Hale has a signed copy of Breaking Faith

Posted: February 5, 2016 in authors, book blast, book boost, Halestorm, music
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In October I took my mom to see my favorite band Halestorm. I decided I was going to throw a signed copy of Breaking Faith up onstage. This of course happened when I fangirled the fuck out of her in June. Here is that story

I hugged Lzzy Hale


I made my mom stand in front of the sign with the book. Don’t mind her hand she fell at a waterpark because they didn’t properly mark a dip. She is slowly getting some use out of it.

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My mom is my biggest fan. She thinks I can do no wrong. That being said she made sure to tell everyone what I was planning to do. That woman is a phenomenal saleswoman. My kindle sales were up just from the people she was talking to. She had people pulling up there Kindle app on their phone and downloading Breaking Faith.
After standing in line for a couple hours we were finally let in. As we were herded inside the Rainbowroom in Fresno my anxiety skyrocketed. My brain started yelling at me that throwing my book onstage was the worst idea I had ever had (that’s saying something)
I started imagining throwing my book and having it land on the ground never making it to the stage. So it could be swept away with the discarded tickets and empty cups at the end of the night. Or worse making the stage and knocking Lzzy or Joe out. Or worser (I know) hitting the stage and causing a fire.
Ugh.. These thoughts were paralyzing so as Lzzy Joe Josh and Arejay began their acoustic set I stood there holding this damn albatross. People around me were hitting me and whispering in my ear to throw the stupid thing.
The band ended their acoustic set and left the stage as they were getting plugged in. Everyone yelled at me saying I missed my chance.
My anxiety was in full swing. When this happens I shut down and want to just forget my idea. I also didn’t want to ruin my night. I was watching my favorite band play.
When they came back I tried to get into the concert but it is hard to throw your horns \m/\m/ when you are holding a book.
Lzzy launched into their song
I am the fire. I adore this song and the lyrics were just what I needed to push the voices in my head down.
I was still worried about not making it to the stage so while they were taking a break I tapped on a man next to me. He was super tall and he was there with his wife and kids. I figured he was cool and he could toss it over his kids heads without worry of hitting them.
He asked if I wanted him to wait until they came back to the stage. At first I said yes, but then I realized I didn’t want him to have to hold it and hinder his enjoyment so I told him to just toss it then.
He did.
It landed on the stage and slid.
Everyone around me cheered. It was insane like we had all accomplished something together.
Joe picked it up and I almost had a heartattack.

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He asked the guy who threw it if it was his book. Once again everyone around me started screaming and pointing at me. It was surreal. I’m not going to lie I felt like a rockstar.
Joe asked if I wrote it and signed it. I nodded my head with my mouth hanging open.
He said Thank you and put it on LZZY’S keyboard. Holy shit.
When she came out and moved it so she could play I freaked out. Breaking Faith stayed on her keyboard as she serenaded it with one of my favorite songs.

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I’m not sure what happened to it after that. I’m going to hope she has it somewhere and the pages are not being used as toilet paper for a transient but either way it was awesome.