Tales from the Table

Posted: June 23, 2014 in Uncategorized


When I tell people that I am a Massage Therapist, one of two things normally happen. One they turn around, thinking I am going to start performing a massage on them right there, or two the request all of the dirt that happens in the massage room.

I always tell my patients, that what happens in the massage room never happened. The vulnerability that a person feel while naked face down in a dark room is not to be laughed at (yet.) There are times when people reveal things to me, that I could have lived my whole life without hearing.

Now that this is said, I have heard some incredible things in my dark little room. These are the ones I like to share (and I’m sure that I will add more weekly, as I seem to have an endless supply.)

*********NEW********Inappropriate Conversation; I have had many inappropriate conversations with patients over the years. Yesterday may have taken the gold start though. We were talking about people, and how they say things that you don’t know how to respond to them. I told him about a patient I had that had an experience like that with her doctor. Apparently she had a c-section, and when she went in for her six week check up her doctor told her “You can tell you had a c-section. It is beautiful down here.”

We were both giggling, when he becomes very serious, and tells me. “If I were a gynecologist, I would only want beautiful vaginas. I would stand up on a staircase and pick them out.”

 I tell him “he should stand under the staircase and dismiss them accordingly. Number two you can leave, number nine please exit the building, number twelve good god woman.” We are both laughing, and later he quiets down, and I assume he is asleep. When out of the blue he says “Pretty Pussy Gynecology.” My knees almost buckled, I was laughing so hard. I truly thought he was asleep and was not expecting anything like that to ever come out of his mouth. Yeah, I am a total professional 😉

MY SCREW UP;  During the time of the Twilight revolution. I went to see every movie when it came out. I know I’m a nerd, (you should have known that by now.) I was massaging a client’s husband; his wife also loved the Twilight movies. So of course I ask if she had her tickets for the movie yet. He said she did, and then asked me if I still liked the movies? My witty response. “Yes, I love me some happy endings.” (My hands were on his back, and I wanted to take the words and stuff them back in my mouth as soon as they came out.) We were both very quiet after that lovely remark. Later that night his wife text’s me, and asks me what I did to her husband. I text her the story, and she calls me laughing. I guess when he got home, and she asked how his massage was he turned bright red, and mumbled that it was fine before going upstairs. I now dip my feet in chocolate in the morning, being that they end up in my mouth at least once a day.

IS IT NORMAL;  One day I have ever had a request for a breast massage? I told her that I have never actually had anyone ask me, but I was trained on how to perform it if asked. (I actually have a story about that day, but I will save it for another time.)  She then proceeded to tell me a story that had me laughing so hard I had to stop massaging her and catch my breath.  Her and a friend went on a trip to Mexico, and had the bright idea to get massages. (I tell my clients they are allowed to get strange, if they are on vacation. They just have to come back to me.) My client went in second after her friend, as there was only one woman performing the massage that day. Close to the end, my client was face up, and the lady “went to town on her boobs” her words not mine on her boobs. (I will admit she has a very impressive set of girls on her.)  As the lady was kneading, and rubbing her girls my client had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. After her mauling was over, she went back to her friend and asked why she didn’t warn her. The friend had a confused look on her face, and asked her what type of warning she wanted. With the dumbfounded look on her friends face, my client asked her less endowed friend if she received the same attention on her chest. Her friend was outraged that she didn’t have her girls relaxed, and wanted to go back and ask the lady why her girls smaller girls were neglected. My client had to drag her friend out of the massage place, and buy her margarita’s while reassuring her all night that her boobs were amazing.

ITS GETTING HOT IN HERE; Unfortunately the perverts must all go to the same school, because I hear the same type of thing over and over. This one will come up multiple times in this blog. “You know Joy I don’t think it is right that I’m naked and you’re not.”  One of my replies. “That’s true. That’s why my top was off the whole time you were face down, but then I got cold before I turned you over so I put it back on.” His response “What I was staring at your feet the whole time, that’s a rip off.”

Weird Conversation; the conversation I had today with patient (P). HIs phone kept chiming so I told him that he was really popular today.

P; no if I get a message and don’t check it right away it notifies me every ten minutes

me; so your phone is like a needy woman? Pay attention to me, Look at me fucker!

P; yeah, she gets really paranoid if I don’t pick her up right away

Me; she kind of sounds like a bitch, does she get jealous when you look at other phones?

P; yeah, and she is really frustrating too, always wondering if I’m touching other phones buttons. She really hates you.

Me; why would she hate me? I’m pretty awesome.

P; because I ignore her when I am with you for an hour

Me; oh that makes sense especially since you put her face down, and your clothes are on the floor

P; yeah I think she makes up notifications, just to interupt my massage

Me; smart girl (see how professional I am)

The Greatest Tip; My favorite tip story is about a man that I had been working on once a week. I can’t explain why he was in there, but no money was coming out of his pockets. After months of working on him without ever receiving a tip, he proceeds to tell me. “Joy I don’t have any money to give you, but I am having a yard sale this Saturday and I can give you a $100 credit.” I was speechless, this wasn’t someone who was hurting for money, he was just someone that hated to part with it.

The Human Carpet; I have a man who is covered in hair, and he is very proud of it.  So proud that he becomes very upset when I snag on it. Not realizing how protective he is of his hair, when he yelled at me for getting caught on it, my big mouth proceeded to tell him that next time “I could massage him with Nair.” He has never rescheduled.

The set up;  Male client “That’s funny Joy, when you massaged my butt my neck popped.” Me; “makes you wonder where your head is.” Really can you blame me, that was the perfect set-up

Wrong answer; One of my more flirtier clients, wanted to give back to me. Telling me that he wished he could make me feel, as good as I make him feel. Telling him to tip me, was not the response he was looking for.

The moaner; I had a client moan, which isn’t unusual but this particular client decided to be very verbal.  He inserted my name into his moans. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. It was disturbing to know what it would sound like if I sex with him.

One liners; out of the mouths of clients

You are the climax of my day

Are you like the books that you like, do you enjoy happy endings?

Why don’t you get on the table, and I will rub you

I’ve been dreaming of your magic hands, and what they do to my body.

I told my wife you weren’t good, because I was afraid you would tell her what I say in here.

(I got pressed for time. I will add more soon.)


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