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For anyone that thinks I am a nice person, I’m sorry I am about to murder that notion. 

I was at Sam’s Club today, and I was in a weird mood ( I have been in this mood a couple days now. It is a mix between hyper, and feisty.) 

This poor unsuspecting snake oil salesman came up to me. He handed me a sample, all smiles having no idea what was about to happen.

The sample itself was a clear liquid with a tinge of pink coloring it. I tried it, nothing special. It tasted like it looked, liquid nothing with a tinge of taste. This poor salesman decided then to make a crucial mistake by talking, and I fucking pounced on that shit.

He asked me. “Wasn’t that amazing?”

I raised my eyebrow, and gave him a nod. 

 “What if I tell you it will make you lose weight.”

For a fraction of a second I was going to walk away. I looked down at my watch, realized I forgot to put one on about ten years ago, and decided I had time. 

“Did you just call me fat?” ( I know I am an asshole, just wait it gets worse)

“What, no. It is just the raspberry ketones target the belly and thigh fat, and shrink them down.”

All I heard was Wayne, and Garth yelling “GAME ON.” 

I let him finish his little spiel, and pounced.

“So, are these raspberry ketones born biased, or were they taught to hate?”

Poor guy had a chance to run away, but he didn’t.

He answers with a very articulate “Uhhhmmmmm”

I figured he wanted me to continue.

“Now, how does a raspberry ketones.know it is near belly and thigh fat? Are they like little homing pigeons (damn those pigeons are everywhere) and they target these offending cells with decimation as their only thought, or does belly and thigh fat have some type of genetic marker that sticks out. I can see it now, these ketones are riding along in the blood stream when they see this marker, and pull the string like you would in a bus “this is my stop, that fat is mine.” 

Poor Sam’s club dude was just staring at me at this point. I kept going.

” The only thing that about the genetic marker argument (I know, I am the one that brought this argument in play) is that I know a lot of people that have had fat removed from one area, to be placed in another area on their body (this is so there is no chance of rejection.) Now wouldn’t that mean that these cells would realize they are in the wrong spot, and migrate back to where they came from? You know to the same marker.” 

Poor guy finally found his voice. “I don’t know how it works, but I know it shrinks the cells”

Why didn’t he just shut up. At this point, I am simultaneously cringing, and jumping up and down clapping.

“Ok, now adipose tissue, oh I’m sorry fat cells, are attacked by little ketones that eat away at it? Fat cells have many different functions, but the ones
<!–more– that your ketones are after, are there for a reason. When a person ingests something and the body doesn't want it floating around, it creates a cell to store it in. It is like wrapping something potentially dangerous in bubble wrap. A lot of what is stored, is not good for your body. This is why when people lose a lot of weight really quickly they become sick. These cells are releasing some nasty toxic shit into your system. What you are telling me is your ketones are basically popping the bubbles around the nasty shit, getting it closer to the surface."

He still had not run away. I was shocked that he was sticking around this long. 

“Well, have you heard of (juicebag Dr. on T.V.) he endorses it.” 

“Ok, I know I don’t have time to get into that juicebag. This is a man with so much reach, not only is he a doctor, but he is on T.V. (which in our society means a great deal more) He could be helping so many people, but instead he endorses all of these fad diets and exercises. He frustrates the fuck out of me. He gives these quick fix solutions, and people believe him. Why research anything, when the doctor on T.V. did it for me?” 

And this was the statement that made poor Sam’s Club guy turn around, and walk away. 

Game over. Not sure if there was a winner, but I got a blog post out of it. SCORE