Thanksgiving. The day where you look forward to stuffing your face with a ridiculous amount of food before waddling off to get the latest and greatest deals.
Did I stuff my face?
Fuck-n-a I did.
Did I waddle my ass into every store open at the ass crack of dawn?
You know it.
I will admit I never once thought to do black Friday. Four years ago my, uhmmmmm….let’s call her my sister (because I don’t know what else to call her) asked if I wanted to go. I don’t get out of the house much so I thought of it as a girls night out.
Also, my sister likes to state her opinion a lot. Now she has warned me to never mention her on this blog. I have respected her wishes (even though she doesn’t read this damn thing) up until now. She kind of gave me permission to write this (granted it was three in the morning and our make-up made us both look like deranged psychopaths.)
Because my sister likes to state her opinion I am usually there to calm the situation down. She is a tiny little thing, and most of the time I can just tuck her under my arm and carry her around like a purse. I never understood why the tiny ones have the biggest opinions. In fact my whole family has no problem stating if they do not like something. I am the sidewalk, and get called out a lot when I let people get away with rudeness. My family, not so much.
You need an example . . .
Me and my Napoleon sized sister were in Costco about four years ago.
We are walking down the aisle when we come across a woman’s shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. In my sisters defense she did say excuse me to the woman a couple of times to get her attention so she could move her cart. This is where her and I differ.
With me, two things would have happened.
1. I would have waited until the lady moved her cart
2. I would have moved the cart gently out of the way, and went on my way.
My sister pulls back the cart and launches it into the woman’s cart, while yelling excuse me. (I know, I should have saw it coming.)
Does it end there?
Hell, no.
As we are walking past the lady, my sister looks at my shocked face and says “What she acted like she owns the store.”
The lady turns to us, and says, “I do own the store.”
This is about the time I am tucking my sister under my arm and carrying her off. Of course to placate the situation, I turn to the lady and tell her, “we really enjoy your store, maybe you should think about expanding the aisles.”‘
This is just one arm tucking incident.
I will admit I like going out on black Friday. I have met many nice people. (when you are in line with people for hours you tend to bond.) I have yet to have anything awful happen to me on my excursions, this is mostly because I refuse to fight for an item, and if someone grabs it from me I take Elsa’s advice and “let that fucker go.” (I am pretty sure that was how Disney originally had written that song.)
Once again I met some pretty awesome people this year. I did something stupid though, I left my sister alone, and went off to seek out books that were on sale. Honestly, I would have never left her if it wasn’t for books. I mean really books, on sale. That is like unleashing a siren’s call. As I was hunting down the song of the siren my sister was waiting for some electronic doo-hickey. When the whatever it was became available my sister grabbed what she had patiently waited in line for and went in search for me, that was until some dude took the box right out of her hands.
Somebody saw what had happened, and handed her a box with the electronic gizmo in it. She found me and told me the story. She said she was in shock that someone would actually take something out of her hand that she didn’t think to not take the gizmo from the person that gave it to her. She felt bad that someone was out of some fucking electronic thing just because some ass stole hers. I immediately tucked her under my arm, and got her the fuck out of the store. (I’m kidding) We shopped and left. No other incidents to report.
Now when we went outside a couple employees were having their smoke break. They saw my sister and the electronic whatchamacallit. I then received the full story.
She was the talk of the store. Why? Because my tiny ass sister screamed “that’s my fucking box.” to a man four times her size. (she does not remember yelling at him.) Unbeknownst to us the store had security in plain clothing walking around. (none of them thought they would actually see any action. As most people are capable of being civilized.) One lucky security guard got to see some action. The box that my sister received was in fact the same box that was taken out of her hands.
The employees outside having their break energetically explained to us that because nothing else like that has ever happened, my sister was the talk of the store. My sister then gave me permission to blog about her experience. (acting like it happened to me of course. Being that she doesn’t read this, and I would have let it fucking go I decided to tell the truth.) I was hoping for more to write about, but really nothing happened on Friday. Saturday, I went to work and life moved on.
Now Christmas is coming up at super sonic speed. My name is everywhere. I have branded the month of December. I love it. It is my way of stalking people without having to make any effort (stalking just seems like a lot of work.) With my name everywhere I will always be in the back of your mind. Haha…super genius level…Achieved.
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