So one year ago I went to Vegas. I went to support my friend Rebecca Fisher in her first author signing. This was also the trip that I met an amazing person(s). Rebecca’s table was across for Kristen, her PA Dayna, and next to them was Mary Catherine Gebhard.
The trip a year ago https://itsjoysworld.net/2015/04/14/vegas-or-bust/
We hit it off immediately. These were the girls that I ended up spending the rest of the week with.
Kristen was super supportive of Breaking Faith. This was before I was convinced that I was even going to publish Breaking Faith. Kristen felt that if I had a cover I would maybe be more inclined to publish.
She was amazing and I was a pain in the ass, but she found the cover for Breaking Faith. Honestly, she also made the covers for Surviving Faith and Becoming Faith. I know what those look like. Sorry had to rub that in.
Breaking Faith has been an adventure for me. Kristen helped me with everything. She was seriously as patient with me as a kindergarten teacher. She held my hand (through the phone) and helped me with everything.
Kristen gave me faith in humanity. Kristen along with all the other amazing indies helped me get through something very near and dear to me. She posted that this was around one year since we met. I wanted to write this post to tell her how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. If you loved Breaking Faith then you should be thanking Kristen, because if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have published.
So this is my Thank you, Kristen.
If you haven’t heard of Kristen her links are below. I highly suggest checking her out. You will not be disappointed.
https://www.facebook.com/AuthorKristenHope/?fref=ts
http://www.amazon.com/Kristen-Hope-Mazzola/e/B00H85N5QQ/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1459828588&sr=8-1

So I did stand up tonight and I think people laughed. I will put the video on YouTube under Joy Eileen as soon as I can.
I have to say it’s like a tattoo, it’s addicting. I can’t wait to do it again. Here is proof until I get the real proof.

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Soooo….if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I have a weird desire to do comedy. In fact I did it once two years ago for my birthday. Here’s that link
Birthday Disaster
I have a friend (actually my first professional massage) that does a lot in the comedy world. He is hilarious (so is his adorable girlfriend that is an amazing photographer also. Jenny’s website)
While Derek Derek’s IMDB was being tortured by my elbows. We were talking about how he got into comedy. He told me about a class Tom Clark (Tom’s website) taught that he had taken. Long story short, he got a hold of Tom and coincidentally he had just started a class. I missed the first one, but I jumped right in.
This class was a big step for me. I battled my anxiety the whole time. Thankfully, not only was the teacher supportive the rest of the class was as well.
It was hard walking into the class because the rest of the students were on a whole other level than I was.
A lot of them have acting or comedy experience, podcasts, spots on a sports team, or just confidence up the ass Then there’s me. But I did it and not once ended up in the fetal position crying. (That pose is difficult with boobs)
Monday was my last class and it was bitter sweet. Everyone was so good, and I even got a couple of laughs.
So this Sunday my class and myself will be performing at the Hollywood Improv at 5pm. At the door it is $5 if you give the secret word (class) it is a two item minimum (food, drinks, handjobs) Someone from my class told me to tweet about it so I felt the blog would be a good way to get this out there.
Anyways….I have no friends so if anyone who wants to come and support me and laugh at the rest of my class I would love to see you there.

Spring Giveaway

Posted: March 24, 2016 in authors, giveaway, prizes
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a Rafflecopter giveaway
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***Dick Pic Gate Update*****

Posted: March 9, 2016 in Uncategorized

****Dick Pic Gate Update****
A male author asked why he never gets any vagina pics. Yesterday I received quite a few dick pics on Twitter. I started to think of why we as women never feel the need to take a vag pic.
My answer is this. We don’t have a constant view of it. I’ll admit like most ladies I’ve taken and sent pictures of my boobs to people. On a day I look down and see I’m having a good boob day I snap a picture and share that shit immediately.
My vagina not so much. I wouldn’t even know what a good vagina day would look like. Is there ever a good angle? Would I know if it looked fat or skinny? No. I have no idea what a flattering vagina pic would even look like.
Guys the only thing I can think to compare it to is your balls. They aren’t in your direct line of site. Your dick is always there on top. Like a bully wrestler who will not let anyone else win. I’ve been face to face with a couple balls and I can tell you I wouldn’t be able to think of a time I would think…look at those balls. They are looking good. Honey you should snap a picture of them.
Not that I have put too much thought in this or anything.
So there you go. My answer to the reason there are so few elusive vag pics out in the world
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Yes…I went to The Comedy Store again. I absolutely love that place. I’m telling you one day I will be on that stage making people groan from my raunchy humor. It will happen.
We were supposed to go see Anthony Jeselnik, but JM bought the wrong tickets. So instead of going into the Main room at 8pm we were scheduled to go to the Original Room at 9pm.
JM was so upset that he ruined Valentine’s day. Seriously I was out of the house I didn’t care. With the extra time we decided to walk to Pink Dot to get something to drink. Now I had been fighting a migraine so before we left I took a migraine pill. (this will mean something later in this story) I’m not a big drinker. Honestly, I have a couple drinks show my boobs and pass out, but I wanted to have fun so I decided to let loose and hopefully the girls would stay put.
I bought a little bottle of vodka and poured it into my diet Pepsi. We went back to the Comedy Store and people watched while I sipped on my drink. JM left me to go pee so I did what anyone would do I made friends with the bouncer. I was asking him what I needed to do to sign up for open mic. We talked about what I needed to do, and we are now Facebook friends. Yay me.
JM came back and soon my drink was empty, and my bladder was full. When I came out of the bathroom Anthony Jeselnik was standing right in front of me. I debated for a second or two if I should fangirl decided against it and went back to JM. By coincidence he followed me to the front of the building.
I walked up to JM and told him that Anthony Jeselnik was behind me. JM looks over my shoulder and looks at me saying, “he is looking at you. What did you say?” It makes me sad how hard I had to convince him I was good and didn’t say a thing.
So Anthony made his round probably looking at the sold out line and went back behind the building.
Flashfoward it is now close to 1 in the morning. I have dutifully finished my two drink minimum. Now my bladder is full again. I stood up and realized I was buzzed. I didn’t take in the fact that I had taken a migraine pill earlier that day. I was standing in line doing the pee-pee dance when one of the waitresses told me I could use the Main Room bathroom. I was so afraid I was going to get lost, but I made it safe and sound.
While I was walking to a stall I saw someone out of the corner of my eye. I started to tell them “I’m sorry” for cutting them off and came face to face with my reflection.
Yes..I was talking to a mirror. That was when I realized I was more tipsy than I thought. I don’t know about men but when you have been drinking more than you usually do women will actually get board while peeing. While I was sitting down laughing at how stupid I am another woman walked in yelling that she had just got kicked out of the men’s bathroom. She was pissed (pun intended) because she was just going to pee in the urinal. This made me feel better because I may have been talk to your reflection in the mirror drunk but I wasn’t pee in a urinal drunk.
The rest of the night went by with tons of laughs. One comic dubbed me Big Tits McGee.
I just realized most of this post was bathroom related. Sorry about that.
I hope you all had a fabulous Valentine’s day.

Ella Emerson

I AM ATLAS

ON SALE for 99 CENTS Feb 29th– Mar 5th

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With over 50 five star reviews, this has been called one of the biggest mind games of 2015.
Synopsis:
Powerful, wealthy, wildly handsome Atlas has it all: successful company, stunning penthouse, and all the women and fun he could want. But when he meets the brilliant, graceful and mesmerizing Gwen, he is thunderstruck and wants to go to great lengths to have her, even if it means breaking his own rules and baring his secret soul.
When his livelihood is threatened by a competing rival, he must prepare for a corporate battle. But, with Gwen at his side he knows he will not lose.
But, what if she isn’t who he thought…

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As most of you know I live in Southern California. The land of golden sunshine. This may be hard for you to believe…but sometimes it gets cold. (I swear I could actually hear the collective sigh of disgust from anyone living east of me)
For Christmas I received a heated throw blanket. I loved it. It kept me warm and cozy at night while I edited Surviving Faith. It was the blanket form of a shot of Jager.
Then it happened I reached over my bed to press the button of heat, (yeah that could go another way) and the light didn’t go on. I refused to think my heated friend had left me so I went through the house trying different outlets. I finally admitted defeat, but refused to go quietly into the night. So like anyone who wants to vent their personal business, I tweeted my experience.
I cannot tell you my surprise when Therapedic tweeted me back telling me to email them. Honestly I didn’t think they would be able to do anything because I didn’t have the receipt since it was a Christmas gift. Because I didn’t think they would be able to do anything I sent them the weirdest email just so I would have something to feel better about myself.
This is what I sent them…
I tweeted that the heated throw I received for Christmas, died yesterday, February 3. Surprisingly, I received a tweet back to send an email to this address.
Unfortunately, I do not have the receipt because it was a gift. So I’m not sure if you can do anything. I will commend you for your customer service. Good Job.
I loved my blanket all the way until it’s death. I’m wearing black today for my mourning period.
I used it at night when I was editing my fourth novel. Yesterday the lights wouldn’t turn on. I tried it with many different outlets. Because I honestly didn’t want to admit my blanket had departed to the heated bed in the sky.
I’ve been very careful not to bend the wires and at no point was it wadded up in a ball. (When editing ones mind does drift, and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve procrastinated many times by reading the warning tag)
I tried to be treat my blanket with the up most respect as I have a tendency to have very bad luck with Christmas presents. If it’s broke it was mine. Anyways that is my sad tale of my deceased blanket.
Thank you for listening.
Joy Eileen

Imagine my surprise when Susan from Therapedic wrote me back almost immediately. We ended up talking on the phone. By the Way Susan has a bad ass east coast accent, and I think one of my next characters needs to emulate it. I felt like I had made a friend from the back and forth emails, and she was awesome.
Susan was amazing. She not only sent me a replacement blanket I also received another pocket blanket and a pair of slippers that won’t be on the market until March.
Therapedic went above and beyond what I had expected. I’m actually sitting her under my new blanket while I type this. I have worked customer service for many years before I started massage therapy and I understand how hard it is to hear people complain all day.
I love my new blankets and I haven’t taken my slippers off since I opened them.
There are good companies out there. Companies who hire people who have bad ass accents that are willing to help.
Thank you Therapedic….

My final wishes…

Posted: February 20, 2016 in Uncategorized

I recently went to a funeral for my great aunt. I won’t go into details on the funeral itself, but I started thinking of what I would want at my funeral.
There has always been two songs that I’ve known forever would be played at my funeral.

Pink Floyd’s Wish you were here (yes it’s a little fucked up to want this song, but it means a lot to me)
And
Green Day’s Good Riddance
Then a medley of all the awesome songs on my Spotify (this consists mostly of Halestorm) could happen afterward.
I don’t want it in a church. No religious spewing that I made it to my reward. (sorry but I didn’t feel fuzzy and warm when death was called a reward)
I want a party instead of a funeral where everyone wears comfy clothes. Pj’s, yoga pants, slippers, flip flops, or no shoes at all. Anyone who has received a massage knows I don’t wear shoes while I work.
No crying for me 😢. I want everyone to have some of their favorite Joy stories to share. A roast so to speak. Laugh. I lived a life where I did some asinine things revel in it
As for my carcass burn my ass ( the only time I’ll be considered hot) and put me in a Batman action figure.
I want to be the coolest, funnest, dead grandma ever. I want my grandkids to play with me.
I can picture it now
Joey hit me with Grandma
Joey won’t share Grandma.
I’m not sure why little Joey is such an ass, but I have a feeling he will be my favorite.
So there you have it. My wishes.
Yes this is what I think about when I drive alone for three hours on very little sleep. Lol

One of my favorite posts was stories that happened while I was in my massage room. I haven’t posted Tales from the Table is awhile. I’m sure most of you have figured out by now that I have a talent for sticking my foot in my mouth. In fact i do it so often I have contemplated on many occasions if i should stick my feet in chocolate before leaving the house.

I have had two encounters lately where I wished my little tootsies were bathed in chocolate because I shoved them down my throat without any foreplay.

#1 Fruitcake oops

Normally when I walk into the room while I am adjusting the sheet and making sure everything is ready for the massage I will ask the patient if there is anything new I need to know about. This is the time they will tell me about any aches or pains they would like me to work on. Sometimes I will get some inappropriate responses. This was not one of those times.
I was massaging a patient who I have been seeing for many years now. The first time I massaged him I thought he was gay. I was super excited because I figured we would become the best of friends, and he maybe he would give me some fashion advice. Sadly he wasn’t gay but just a really amazing dresser. He is actually married with five kids. (Someday my gay prince will come and rescue me from Batman t-shirts and jeans)
Usually he will tell me everything hurts and to just fix him before going quiet. It sucks so much when a patient is quiet. I usually use the time to fix plot holes in my books. This particular time (right after Christmas) he told me that he ate way too much fruitcake. So much fruitcake he felt his muscles were full of the dessert.
Anyways… at the end of the massage as I was walking out of the room I turned to him and said, “I think I got all the fruitcake out of you.”
Our eyes locked in shock and I slithered away to wash the lotion and fruitcake embarrassment off my forearms.

#2 Starbucks and handjobs

If you have seen the movie Idiocracy the title will be hilarious. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. I will warn you and say it is terrifying because it is something that could happen very easily.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Anyways… I was once again in my dark little room with a naked man face down. This patient is also a long time patient of mine. He is a tad bit of a perv but I love him anyway. I try not to say things that he can use against me. I’m going to claim tiredness and allergies to the slip I made a couple of weeks ago.
When I walked in he was in position face down ready for my hands to do their magic, but I had yet to touch him.
Patient…I already feel the tension going away.
Me…(Smartass remark ready for fire) Well then you lay here for an hour and I’m going to go get a Starbucks.
Patient…No wait I still need you.
I start the massage and the conversations stops for a minute or two.
Patient…would it be better if I brought you a Starbucks?
Me.. No because then I would want to drink it and I would end up massaging you with one hand (As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to grab them back. I had just given him ammunition and the massage was only five minutes in)
Patient… Well I don’t see a problem with that. Hell I will bring you three so you can massage me with one hand for the full hour.
Me…I don’t think you would be able to last the full hour. Just bring me a tall.

We both ended up bursting into laughter, because hell sometimes things are too funny not to laugh.

If you need some more cringe worthy moments please feel free to click the link below to read some of my other Tales from the Table.

https://itsjoysworld.net/2014/06/23/tales-for-the-table/