itsjoysworld.net

Yesterday, I had some time to get my eyebrows done. I have extremely hairy eyebrows, and if I don’t get them waxed I start to resemble a Muppet. In fear of someone mistaking me for a puppet, and shoving their hand up my ass to make me talk, I wax regularly. I walk into the salon right next to my work, and asked if they had time for an eyebrow. While she was scraping the calluses off of her client’s feet, she looks down at mine, and asks if I have time for a pedicure too?

Let me tell you, someone that is removing dead skin off of another person, and can make you feel nasty is a talent. I told her that I did not in fact have time, because I had a massage in fifteen minutes. She rolls her eyes, and signals for someone to take me back. This is not the first time I have had a odd experience at this place, and if they weren’t so damn convenient I would totally find another place to rip my hair off of my face with melted wax.

A couple of months ago, I went in to get my eyebrows done. I was noticing more and more puppeteer type people starting to follow me, and knew it was time. While on the bed, the lady asks me “Just eyebrows?” I get that the more hair they rip off me, the more they make so I don’t think anything of the question, and answer “Yes.”

“No lip?” she asks.

“No, no lip. Just eyebrow.” I respond.

“No chin?” Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

“No, no chin. Just eyebrows.” I say.

She starts doing my eyebrows, and right when she is almost done she hits me up again.

“Are you sure, no chin?” Now I am going over in my head, do I have a hairy chin? Oh my god what if I have a hairy chin and never knew.

“No chin, just eyebrow. Thank you.” I say, while my mind is going over every nuance of my face. I started to relate to the three little pigs. I am not going to lie, as soon as I left; I immediately go to the closest mirror, and search my face for any hairy protrusions. I didn’t find any, but I am telling you I have been self conscious ever since. 

OMG…..Joy, did you really do that? I know, I know the cliche of the the tramp stamp right above the BATCAVE………

Yes, this is my faded tramp stamp that thankfully it is behind me, so I don’t have to be faced with it daily. People ask me why I don’t get it removed, and honestly as much as I complain and am embarassed about it, it’s me.

As I explained in the “Me” section of this blog/site, I had a bit of a mean ex boyfriend. When I finally escaped his clutches, I went a tad bit crazy. I started “dating” a DJ at a strip club. The reason for the quotes is because he was “dating” a bunch of girls.

This DJ was also a piercer. The more I write the redder I turn, but we are all friends so what’s a few secrets.

One night while I was waiting for him to pierce a client ( I am not sure if he was just piercing her with a needle, he also liked to pierce things with his Uhm……well you know) Anywho…..

I was in the waiting room, because he promised me food, like a good little girl when his friend “the tattoo artist” came out. He announces “I want to ink someone.” Ahhh.. you know where this is going don’t you…..such smart friends I have.

I jump up off the leather couch I was trying not to touch, in fear of getting pregnant, and reply with Joy enthusiasm “you can ink me!!!!!!!”

He looks at me, and I am sure he see’s sucker written across my forehead. That was going to be my next tattoo. (I’m kidding; I would not get Sucker on my forehead.)

“Ok, but it can’t be some random tattoo. It has to express who you are. Who are you Joy????”  He asks. Without skipping a beat, let’s all say it together….

“I’M BATMAN”  It’s ok you can shake your head I get it. He proceeds to grab my hand, and lead me into the tattoo room where he puts this bad boy on me. He also kept squirting the damn solution down my crack, so I totally looked like I peed when I was done.

Now since I have Batman permanently tatted on my ass, I have learned to embrace it. I now have every argument I can think of as to why Batman is the best super hero. (Think about it Superman is a damn alien, do you really think he has his working visa? What would he write, on his forms for his job while in the US “Saving the World” pretentious much. Then there is Spiderman, seriously show him a flip-flop or a rolled up newspaper, and dude is cowering in the corner.) Thank goodness I picked Batman.

Shake your head, I get it. Be embarrassed for me.

Or if you have an embarrassing tattoo, share it with me. I would love that, share my pain with me.

P.S. I wanted pink to be radiating off of it, he just outlined the damn thing in pink. When people see it they think it is new, and irritated. 

NEW STORY ADDED 06/07/14

When I tell people that I am a Massage Therapist, one of two things normally happen. One they turn around, thinking I am going to start performing a massage on them right there, or two the request all of the dirt that happens in the massage room.

I always tell my patients, that what happens in the massage room never happened. The vulnerability that a person feel while naked face down in a dark room is not to be laughed at (yet.) There are times when people reveal things to me, that I could have lived my whole life without hearing.

Now that this is said, I have heard some incredible things in my dark little room. These are the ones I like to share (and I’m sure that I will add more weekly, as I seem to have an endless supply.)

*********NEW********Inappropriate Conversation; I have had many inappropriate conversations with patients over the years. Yesterday may have taken the gold start though. We were talking about people, and how they say things that you don’t know how to respond to them. I told him about a patient I had that had an experience like that with her doctor. Apparently she had a c-section, and when she went in for her six week check up her doctor told her “You can tell you had a c-section. It is beautiful down here.”

We were both giggling, when he becomes very serious, and tells me. “If I were a gynecologist, I would only want beautiful vaginas. I would stand up on a staircase and pick them out.”

 I tell him “he should stand under the staircase and dismiss them accordingly. Number two you can leave, number nine please exit the building, number twelve good god woman.” We are both laughing, and later he quiets down, and I assume he is asleep. When out of the blue he says “Pretty Pussy Gynecology.” My knees almost buckled, I was laughing so hard. I truly thought he was asleep and was not expecting anything like that to ever come out of his mouth. Yeah, I am a total professional 😉

MY SCREW UP;  During the time of the Twilight revolution. I went to see every movie when it came out. I know I’m a nerd, (you should have known that by now.) I was massaging a client’s husband; his wife also loved the Twilight movies. So of course I ask if she had her tickets for the movie yet. He said she did, and then asked me if I still liked the movies? My witty response. “Yes, I love me some happy endings.” (My hands were on his back, and I wanted to take the words and stuff them back in my mouth as soon as they came out.) We were both very quiet after that lovely remark. Later that night his wife text’s me, and asks me what I did to her husband. I text her the story, and she calls me laughing. I guess when he got home, and she asked how his massage was he turned bright red, and mumbled that it was fine before going upstairs. I now dip my feet in chocolate in the morning, being that they end up in my mouth at least once a day.

IS IT NORMAL;  One day I have ever had a request for a breast massage? I told her that I have never actually had anyone ask me, but I was trained on how to perform it if asked. (I actually have a story about that day, but I will save it for another time.)  She then proceeded to tell me a story that had me laughing so hard I had to stop massaging her and catch my breath.  Her and a friend went on a trip to Mexico, and had the bright idea to get massages. (I tell my clients they are allowed to get strange, if they are on vacation. They just have to come back to me.) My client went in second after her friend, as there was only one woman performing the massage that day. Close to the end, my client was face up, and the lady “went to town on her boobs” her words not mine on her boobs. (I will admit she has a very impressive set of girls on her.)  As the lady was kneading, and rubbing her girls my client had to bite her tongue to keep from laughing. After her mauling was over, she went back to her friend and asked why she didn’t warn her. The friend had a confused look on her face, and asked her what type of warning she wanted. With the dumbfounded look on her friends face, my client asked her less endowed friend if she received the same attention on her chest. Her friend was outraged that she didn’t have her girls relaxed, and wanted to go back and ask the lady why her girls smaller girls were neglected. My client had to drag her friend out of the massage place, and buy her margarita’s while reassuring her all night that her boobs were amazing.

ITS GETTING HOT IN HERE; Unfortunately the perverts must all go to the same school, because I hear the same type of thing over and over. This one will come up multiple times in this blog. “You know Joy I don’t think it is right that I’m naked and you’re not.”  One of my replies. “That’s true. That’s why my top was off the whole time you were face down, but then I got cold before I turned you over so I put it back on.” His response “What I was staring at your feet the whole time, that’s a rip off.”

Weird Conversation; the conversation I had today with patient (P). HIs phone kept chiming so I told him that he was really popular today.

P; no if I get a message and don’t check it right away it notifies me every ten minutes

me; so your phone is like a needy woman? Pay attention to me, Look at me fucker!

P; yeah, she gets really paranoid if I don’t pick her up right away

Me; she kind of sounds like a bitch, does she get jealous when you look at other phones?

P; yeah, and she is really frustrating too, always wondering if I’m touching other phones buttons. She really hates you.

Me; why would she hate me? I’m pretty awesome.

P; because I ignore her when I am with you for an hour

Me; oh that makes sense especially since you put her face down, and your clothes are on the floor

P; yeah I think she makes up notifications, just to interupt my massage

Me; smart girl (see how professional I am)

The Greatest Tip; My favorite tip story is about a man that I had been working on once a week. I can’t explain why he was in there, but no money was coming out of his pockets. After months of working on him without ever receiving a tip, he proceeds to tell me. “Joy I don’t have any money to give you, but I am having a yard sale this Saturday and I can give you a $100 credit.” I was speechless, this wasn’t someone who was hurting for money, he was just someone that hated to part with it.

The Human Carpet; I have a man who is covered in hair, and he is very proud of it.  So proud that he becomes very upset when I snag on it. Not realizing how protective he is of his hair, when he yelled at me for getting caught on it, my big mouth proceeded to tell him that next time “I could massage him with Nair.” He has never rescheduled.

The set up;  Male client “That’s funny Joy, when you massaged my butt my neck popped.” Me; “makes you wonder where your head is.” Really can you blame me, that was the perfect set-up

Wrong answer; One of my more flirtier clients, wanted to give back to me. Telling me that he wished he could make me feel, as good as I make him feel. Telling him to tip me, was not the response he was looking for.

The moaner; I had a client moan, which isn’t unusual but this particular client decided to be very verbal.  He inserted my name into his moans. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. It was disturbing to know what it would sound like if I sex with him.

One liners; out of the mouths of clients

You are the climax of my day

Are you like the books that you like, do you enjoy happy endings?

Why don’t you get on the table, and I will rub you

I’ve been dreaming of your magic hands, and what they do to my body.

I told my wife you weren’t good, because I was afraid you would tell her what I say in here.

(I got pressed for time. I will add more soon.)

Faith made the mistake of giving herself to someone who didn’t deserve her. After making the decision to leave him, she sought refuge at a bar full of loving misfits. The misfits accepted Faith without question, and now they protect her as if she is family.

While putting the pieces of her life back together, she fights to keep her broken heart from falling for the moody lead singer of the Jackholes. A man named Kill.

Killian has his own demons to battle, yet Faith brings out the singer’s protective side: a side he thought he’d buried long ago, to spare his battered heart.

All the while, Faith’s ex is having a hard time letting go.

Can Faith and Kill trust each other long enough to leave their pasts behind and find love? Will Faith break away from the controlling ex she thought she’d walked out on? Is the past too overpowering to allow anyone a chance at happiness?

I can not express how excited I was when I was notified that someone had left a comment on my website. My first comment……YAY!!!!!!! As quickly as I could I go to check it, and imagine my surprise when it is not for me, but addressed to my chest.

My chest and I have a love hate relationship. I love the fact that I don’t have to pay for drinks, although I am such a light weight anymore than one, and I am flashing the girls and passing out in the the corner, but I digress.

The girls didn’t sprout out until the summer of my Junior to Senior year (maybe there was a freak accident, and miracle grow was mixed in my body wash, seriously this is the only explaination I can think of.) They were a hit when I went back to school, and rumors ran rampant that I had a boob job durning summer (clearly they didn’t know my parents.) I am not going to lie, I went a little power drunk, when I realized that they were like two little mob bosses allowing me access to things that used to be locked from me.

With great power come great responsibility ( I so do not do responsibility) I had a teacher in college that actually lectured to my boobs. I assumed they were taking great notes, and was very screwed when I realized they did not asorb any information that was being pointed at them. Thank goodness my brain (the good girl that she is, retained the lecture)

So once again I am being upstaged by my girls, as they get all the attention. Oh well 

Two years ago I started to write a book. A paranormal YA that has my take on mythical creatures.  One day I was listening to the radio and Halestorm came on, I was instantly in love. I decided to stop writing my other book and embarked on writing what I am now referring to as my Rock-n-Roll romance.  “Breaking Faith” Having never written a book before, I had no idea how long a book was supposed to be. When I finished the last line, I was well over 406,000 words.  People were appalled at how many words I had written down. I already had an outline, for another book wanting it to a two part series, silly me for trying to make plans, I have now realized I do not drive the bus, in my journey of being an author.

I have now split the first book into two, “Breaking Faith, Surviving Faith”  and I am currently removing many many words to make it some semblance of a normal sized novel. How did I come up with such a long book plot? You ask. I am stuck in a dark room with naked people four days a week. Yes, I am a massage therapist, and when one of my patients stubbornly decide they want to enjoy their massage by relaxing and not talking to me for an hour (honestly people talk to your therapists) I have plenty of uninterrupted time while rubbing a naked asses to come up with a plot. In case you haven’t notice, I am very inappropriate and my responses although I find them witty normally edge along the perverted line. (There are days I think I have the mentality of a 13 year old boy.)

I also am a huge talker, I was telling every available person (normally they are naked and face down, unable to escape…evil laugh) about the book I had finished. I would have been perfectly fine never doing more than talking about this damn book, except my mouth got me in trouble. I had patients ask me if they could read it, stupidly I said, yes. I started to get feedback that it was actually a good story, still I would have been fine not taking it any farther. While I was on the elliptical one day I got a tweet, any distraction while working out is something I will stop and check. The tweet was from my now friend Lilo Abernathy, telling me that she had written a book. I told her that I would check it out immediately, but she wanted to give me her spiel, saying that “she wanted to work for it.” I read her book, but made the mistake of telling her about “Breaking Faith.”  Being the amazing awesome person she is, she decided to take me under her wing and help me self publish my book. She increased my Twitter followers more than double, and stated to get my name out there. I now have people actually asking where they could find my book, and upset when I explained that it was being edited and not out yet. I had others tell me that they couldn’t find my website (again it was not available)

“Breaking Faith” is being edited, and the cover is being created by coveritdesigns.net. It will get out there soon. Hopefully I will be able to update all of my wanna-be –readers so they will know what is happening with the book, and not give up on me.