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Soooo….if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I have a weird desire to do comedy. In fact I did it once two years ago for my birthday. Here’s that link
Birthday Disaster
I have a friend (actually my first professional massage) that does a lot in the comedy world. He is hilarious (so is his adorable girlfriend that is an amazing photographer also. Jenny’s website)
While Derek Derek’s IMDB was being tortured by my elbows. We were talking about how he got into comedy. He told me about a class Tom Clark (Tom’s website) taught that he had taken. Long story short, he got a hold of Tom and coincidentally he had just started a class. I missed the first one, but I jumped right in.
This class was a big step for me. I battled my anxiety the whole time. Thankfully, not only was the teacher supportive the rest of the class was as well.
It was hard walking into the class because the rest of the students were on a whole other level than I was.
A lot of them have acting or comedy experience, podcasts, spots on a sports team, or just confidence up the ass Then there’s me. But I did it and not once ended up in the fetal position crying. (That pose is difficult with boobs)
Monday was my last class and it was bitter sweet. Everyone was so good, and I even got a couple of laughs.
So this Sunday my class and myself will be performing at the Hollywood Improv at 5pm. At the door it is $5 if you give the secret word (class) it is a two item minimum (food, drinks, handjobs) Someone from my class told me to tweet about it so I felt the blog would be a good way to get this out there.
Anyways….I have no friends so if anyone who wants to come and support me and laugh at the rest of my class I would love to see you there.

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As most of you know I live in Southern California. The land of golden sunshine. This may be hard for you to believe…but sometimes it gets cold. (I swear I could actually hear the collective sigh of disgust from anyone living east of me)
For Christmas I received a heated throw blanket. I loved it. It kept me warm and cozy at night while I edited Surviving Faith. It was the blanket form of a shot of Jager.
Then it happened I reached over my bed to press the button of heat, (yeah that could go another way) and the light didn’t go on. I refused to think my heated friend had left me so I went through the house trying different outlets. I finally admitted defeat, but refused to go quietly into the night. So like anyone who wants to vent their personal business, I tweeted my experience.
I cannot tell you my surprise when Therapedic tweeted me back telling me to email them. Honestly I didn’t think they would be able to do anything because I didn’t have the receipt since it was a Christmas gift. Because I didn’t think they would be able to do anything I sent them the weirdest email just so I would have something to feel better about myself.
This is what I sent them…
I tweeted that the heated throw I received for Christmas, died yesterday, February 3. Surprisingly, I received a tweet back to send an email to this address.
Unfortunately, I do not have the receipt because it was a gift. So I’m not sure if you can do anything. I will commend you for your customer service. Good Job.
I loved my blanket all the way until it’s death. I’m wearing black today for my mourning period.
I used it at night when I was editing my fourth novel. Yesterday the lights wouldn’t turn on. I tried it with many different outlets. Because I honestly didn’t want to admit my blanket had departed to the heated bed in the sky.
I’ve been very careful not to bend the wires and at no point was it wadded up in a ball. (When editing ones mind does drift, and I’m not afraid to admit I’ve procrastinated many times by reading the warning tag)
I tried to be treat my blanket with the up most respect as I have a tendency to have very bad luck with Christmas presents. If it’s broke it was mine. Anyways that is my sad tale of my deceased blanket.
Thank you for listening.
Joy Eileen

Imagine my surprise when Susan from Therapedic wrote me back almost immediately. We ended up talking on the phone. By the Way Susan has a bad ass east coast accent, and I think one of my next characters needs to emulate it. I felt like I had made a friend from the back and forth emails, and she was awesome.
Susan was amazing. She not only sent me a replacement blanket I also received another pocket blanket and a pair of slippers that won’t be on the market until March.
Therapedic went above and beyond what I had expected. I’m actually sitting her under my new blanket while I type this. I have worked customer service for many years before I started massage therapy and I understand how hard it is to hear people complain all day.
I love my new blankets and I haven’t taken my slippers off since I opened them.
There are good companies out there. Companies who hire people who have bad ass accents that are willing to help.
Thank you Therapedic….

One of my favorite posts was stories that happened while I was in my massage room. I haven’t posted Tales from the Table is awhile. I’m sure most of you have figured out by now that I have a talent for sticking my foot in my mouth. In fact i do it so often I have contemplated on many occasions if i should stick my feet in chocolate before leaving the house.

I have had two encounters lately where I wished my little tootsies were bathed in chocolate because I shoved them down my throat without any foreplay.

#1 Fruitcake oops

Normally when I walk into the room while I am adjusting the sheet and making sure everything is ready for the massage I will ask the patient if there is anything new I need to know about. This is the time they will tell me about any aches or pains they would like me to work on. Sometimes I will get some inappropriate responses. This was not one of those times.
I was massaging a patient who I have been seeing for many years now. The first time I massaged him I thought he was gay. I was super excited because I figured we would become the best of friends, and he maybe he would give me some fashion advice. Sadly he wasn’t gay but just a really amazing dresser. He is actually married with five kids. (Someday my gay prince will come and rescue me from Batman t-shirts and jeans)
Usually he will tell me everything hurts and to just fix him before going quiet. It sucks so much when a patient is quiet. I usually use the time to fix plot holes in my books. This particular time (right after Christmas) he told me that he ate way too much fruitcake. So much fruitcake he felt his muscles were full of the dessert.
Anyways… at the end of the massage as I was walking out of the room I turned to him and said, “I think I got all the fruitcake out of you.”
Our eyes locked in shock and I slithered away to wash the lotion and fruitcake embarrassment off my forearms.

#2 Starbucks and handjobs

If you have seen the movie Idiocracy the title will be hilarious. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. I will warn you and say it is terrifying because it is something that could happen very easily.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Anyways… I was once again in my dark little room with a naked man face down. This patient is also a long time patient of mine. He is a tad bit of a perv but I love him anyway. I try not to say things that he can use against me. I’m going to claim tiredness and allergies to the slip I made a couple of weeks ago.
When I walked in he was in position face down ready for my hands to do their magic, but I had yet to touch him.
Patient…I already feel the tension going away.
Me…(Smartass remark ready for fire) Well then you lay here for an hour and I’m going to go get a Starbucks.
Patient…No wait I still need you.
I start the massage and the conversations stops for a minute or two.
Patient…would it be better if I brought you a Starbucks?
Me.. No because then I would want to drink it and I would end up massaging you with one hand (As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to grab them back. I had just given him ammunition and the massage was only five minutes in)
Patient… Well I don’t see a problem with that. Hell I will bring you three so you can massage me with one hand for the full hour.
Me…I don’t think you would be able to last the full hour. Just bring me a tall.

We both ended up bursting into laughter, because hell sometimes things are too funny not to laugh.

If you need some more cringe worthy moments please feel free to click the link below to read some of my other Tales from the Table.

https://itsjoysworld.net/2014/06/23/tales-for-the-table/

In October I took my mom to see my favorite band Halestorm. I decided I was going to throw a signed copy of Breaking Faith up onstage. This of course happened when I fangirled the fuck out of her in June. Here is that story
https://itsjoysworld.net/2015/06/15/i-hugged-lzzy-hale/
I made my mom stand in front of the sign with the book. Don’t mind her hand she fell at a waterpark because they didn’t properly mark a dip. She is slowly getting some use out of it.

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My mom is my biggest fan. She thinks I can do no wrong. That being said she made sure to tell everyone what I was planning to do. That woman is a phenomenal saleswoman. My kindle sales were up just from the people she was talking to. She had people pulling up there Kindle app on their phone and downloading Breaking Faith.
After standing in line for a couple hours we were finally let in. As we were herded inside the Rainbowroom in Fresno my anxiety skyrocketed. My brain started yelling at me that throwing my book onstage was the worst idea I had ever had (that’s saying something)
I started imagining throwing my book and having it land on the ground never making it to the stage. So it could be swept away with the discarded tickets and empty cups at the end of the night. Or worse making the stage and knocking Lzzy or Joe out. Or worser (I know) hitting the stage and causing a fire.
Ugh.. These thoughts were paralyzing so as Lzzy Joe Josh and Arejay began their acoustic set I stood there holding this damn albatross. People around me were hitting me and whispering in my ear to throw the stupid thing.
The band ended their acoustic set and left the stage as they were getting plugged in. Everyone yelled at me saying I missed my chance.
My anxiety was in full swing. When this happens I shut down and want to just forget my idea. I also didn’t want to ruin my night. I was watching my favorite band play.
When they came back I tried to get into the concert but it is hard to throw your horns \m/\m/ when you are holding a book.
Lzzy launched into their song
I am the fire. I adore this song and the lyrics were just what I needed to push the voices in my head down.
I was still worried about not making it to the stage so while they were taking a break I tapped on a man next to me. He was super tall and he was there with his wife and kids. I figured he was cool and he could toss it over his kids heads without worry of hitting them.
He asked if I wanted him to wait until they came back to the stage. At first I said yes, but then I realized I didn’t want him to have to hold it and hinder his enjoyment so I told him to just toss it then.
He did.
It landed on the stage and slid.
Everyone around me cheered. It was insane like we had all accomplished something together.
Joe picked it up and I almost had a heartattack.

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He asked the guy who threw it if it was his book. Once again everyone around me started screaming and pointing at me. It was surreal. I’m not going to lie I felt like a rockstar.
Joe asked if I wrote it and signed it. I nodded my head with my mouth hanging open.
He said Thank you and put it on LZZY’S keyboard. Holy shit.
When she came out and moved it so she could play I freaked out. Breaking Faith stayed on her keyboard as she serenaded it with one of my favorite songs.

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I’m not sure what happened to it after that. I’m going to hope she has it somewhere and the pages are not being used as toilet paper for a transient but either way it was awesome.

As some of you know being a stand up comedian is one of my goals in life. I tried it a couple years ago for my birthday and had the time of my life. I have wanted to go back but I haven’t had the opportunity as of yet. Here is the link to that one time

https://itsjoysworld.net/2014/07/27/it-was-my-birthday-and-i-will-embarrass-myself-if-i-want-to/

Weeks ago JM and I found ourselves kidless. When this rare occurrence happens we end up at The Comedy Store on Sunset.
Close to the end of the night Sunset Strip Jesus came in. Glided in? Walked on a really long sandbar? ( I didn’t have the balls to do that joke in front of him)
Anyways…Don Barris was on stage closing us out (the Sam Kinison set) when good ole Jesus struts in. People stopped listening to Don to Snapchat Jesus. Don stopped his set to bring him up onstage to get pictures. Since it was close to Christmas Don asked Jesus what he got for his birthday? His answer was candles. Which was hilarious.
It’s now 2:30 in the morning. On the way out of The Comedy Store I asked Jesus if I could get a picture. This man is huge. Case in point look at my shoulder and my hand. They look miniature.

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Sunset Strip Jesus asked if we come to The Comedy Store often. JM explained every chance we get because I want to pursue comedy. This giant turns to me and says, “let’s here it.”
So this is how I end up at 2:30 in the morning on the sidewalk in front of The Comedy Store on Sunset Strip doing a bit for a man dressed as Jesus.
I was stupid nervous. I tell him the first thing he needs to know about me is I’m a massage therapist. So to make things even more awkward he holds out his gargantuan hand. And what do I do? I start massaging it while I go into my happy ending set. At some point he grabs my hand and I watch as it becomes encompassed in his large hands. This is when I realize I’m getting a handjob by a man dressed as Jesus while talking about jerking someone off. According to JM he knew when this thought went through my head because I stuttered and my ears turned bright red.
Anyways I finished my bit and was told I was funny and should try the open mics. He did say I went too fast, but fuck (one T not two) I was nervous.
I told him I want to do the comedy university, but $470 is not available to me right now. Maybe I should start a kickstarter. Kidding.
So there you go. My Jesus Hand job story.

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So Thursday I was interviewed by Robert Moore for the International Writers Association Podcast.
This is the link to the interview.

http://iwaaudio.podomatic.com/entry/2016-01-24T20_49_18-08_00
I come on about into the podcast.
26 minute mark
I don’t want to listen to it. I have a deep hatred for the sound of my voice. I feel I sound like a 12 year old on crack. I also said amazing, awesome, and great way too many times. I kept telling myself to stop saying those words in my head only to blurt one of them out seconds later. I was laughing in my head every time I let one of those words slip.
Also I tried to mention as many people as I could but I know I missed so many. It was not done intentionally, and I’m sorry. In fact I don’t really remember what I said.
So here you go if you want to have a laugh at my expense. Or you can make it a drinking game. Take a shot when I say awesome amazing or great.

Breaking Faith was awarded Rockstar Romance Debut Author from Backstage Book Blog.
Thank you everyone for your support. Surviving Faith will be published shortly.

Backstage Books

The first of the year always brings about discussions and awards for all the best things of the previous year.   With 2015 being the debut year for Backstage Books, we decided it is a good time to begin another annual tradition, the Best of {Year} Awards.    And, being the first time out, there will be kinks to work out.   And being who we are, we don’t necessarily do things the way anyone else does.   So, the awards will be presented at the rate of one a day instead of just in a list – so we can take some time to talk about the award winner, and why it won.   The large majority of the books will have been published in 2015, but there will be a few exceptions where we just discovered them this year.   And yada, yada, yada – let’s let the awards begin!   (and one more yada…

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Title: I Am Atlas
Book: 1
Series: The Playing God Series
Author: Ella Emerson
Cover Designer: Redbird Designs
Book Manager: Olivia Howe
Publisher: Booktrope
Releases: November 20th

Blurb:

Powerful, wealthy, wildly handsome
Atlas has it all: successful company, stunning penthouse, and all the
women and fun he could want. But when he meets the brilliant,
graceful and mesmerizing Gwen, he is thunderstruck and wants to go to
great lengths to have her, even if it means breaking his own rules
and baring his secret soul.

When his livelihood is threatened by a
competing rival, he must prepare for a corporate battle. But, with
Gwen at his side he knows he will not lose.

But, what if she isn’t who he thought
she was? What if nothing is as it seems?

Will Atlas lose everything?
How far is one man willing to go for
the woman he loves?  

About The Author:

Ella Emerson lives in Florida with her husband and three wonderful children. When she isn’t writing you can find her watching movies or playing games with
her children. She loves to read, write and eat pizza. A true lover of the beach, she enjoys the sun, surf, sand and sea. She also is a huge fan of the
cinema and enjoys crazy 80’s chick flicks. She was raised a military brat, and has seen her fair share of the world. She loves using her own experiences
and turning them into lovely romantic tales.

In high school she discovered her love for reading, and even had one of her poems published in a national magazine. She continues to read, write, review
and hopefully she can become an inspiration to her own children, as well as others.

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Author Links:

Sign up for Ella Emerson’s newsletter: http://eepurl.com/1DTeX

Come and Follow her on Bloglovin:http://www.bloglovin.com/ellaemerson

Teasers:

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Melabeth

Melanie Dare is a teenage girl. Drugs and abuse by her parents change all that. She is raped and murdered and finds herself awake in a new decade. Melanie becomes Melabeth the vampire, and she is thrust into events outside of her control. Meeting a small circle of friends – not all who can be trusted – she finds herself obsessed with revenge against her killers… but along the way finds love. Her battle for revenge has terrible, unintended consequences, and she will question, who, and what she is. Can her love survive her need for revenge? This is the first part of a three part series about forgiveness.

E.B’s

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