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****Dick Pic Gate Update****
A male author asked why he never gets any vagina pics. Yesterday I received quite a few dick pics on Twitter. I started to think of why we as women never feel the need to take a vag pic.
My answer is this. We don’t have a constant view of it. I’ll admit like most ladies I’ve taken and sent pictures of my boobs to people. On a day I look down and see I’m having a good boob day I snap a picture and share that shit immediately.
My vagina not so much. I wouldn’t even know what a good vagina day would look like. Is there ever a good angle? Would I know if it looked fat or skinny? No. I have no idea what a flattering vagina pic would even look like.
Guys the only thing I can think to compare it to is your balls. They aren’t in your direct line of site. Your dick is always there on top. Like a bully wrestler who will not let anyone else win. I’ve been face to face with a couple balls and I can tell you I wouldn’t be able to think of a time I would think…look at those balls. They are looking good. Honey you should snap a picture of them.
Not that I have put too much thought in this or anything.
So there you go. My answer to the reason there are so few elusive vag pics out in the world
I AM ATLAS
ON SALE for 99 CENTS Feb 29th– Mar 5th
Amazon US: http://amzn.com/B017S9SW00
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FIRE SALE
I AM ATLAS by Ella Emerson
is on #sale for #99cents from Feb29th-Mar5th
With over 50 five star reviews, this has been called one of the biggest mind games of 2015. 
Synopsis:
Powerful, wealthy, wildly handsome Atlas has it all: successful company, stunning penthouse, and all the women and fun he could want. But when he meets the brilliant, graceful and mesmerizing Gwen, he is thunderstruck and wants to go to great lengths to have her, even if it means breaking his own rules and baring his secret soul.
When his livelihood is threatened by a competing rival, he must prepare for a corporate battle. But, with Gwen at his side he knows he will not lose.
But, what if she isn’t who he thought…
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I recently went to a funeral for my great aunt. I won’t go into details on the funeral itself, but I started thinking of what I would want at my funeral.
There has always been two songs that I’ve known forever would be played at my funeral.
Pink Floyd’s Wish you were here (yes it’s a little fucked up to want this song, but it means a lot to me)
And
Green Day’s Good Riddance
Then a medley of all the awesome songs on my Spotify (this consists mostly of Halestorm) could happen afterward.
I don’t want it in a church. No religious spewing that I made it to my reward. (sorry but I didn’t feel fuzzy and warm when death was called a reward)
I want a party instead of a funeral where everyone wears comfy clothes. Pj’s, yoga pants, slippers, flip flops, or no shoes at all. Anyone who has received a massage knows I don’t wear shoes while I work.
No crying for me 😢. I want everyone to have some of their favorite Joy stories to share. A roast so to speak. Laugh. I lived a life where I did some asinine things revel in it
As for my carcass burn my ass ( the only time I’ll be considered hot) and put me in a Batman action figure.
I want to be the coolest, funnest, dead grandma ever. I want my grandkids to play with me.
I can picture it now
Joey hit me with Grandma
Joey won’t share Grandma.
I’m not sure why little Joey is such an ass, but I have a feeling he will be my favorite.
So there you have it. My wishes.
Yes this is what I think about when I drive alone for three hours on very little sleep. Lol
Lzzy Hale has a signed copy of Breaking Faith
Posted: February 5, 2016 in authors, book blast, book boost, Halestorm, musicTags: #author, #love, #lzzyhale, #paperback, Halestorm, music
In October I took my mom to see my favorite band Halestorm. I decided I was going to throw a signed copy of Breaking Faith up onstage. This of course happened when I fangirled the fuck out of her in June. Here is that story
I made my mom stand in front of the sign with the book. Don’t mind her hand she fell at a waterpark because they didn’t properly mark a dip. She is slowly getting some use out of it.
My mom is my biggest fan. She thinks I can do no wrong. That being said she made sure to tell everyone what I was planning to do. That woman is a phenomenal saleswoman. My kindle sales were up just from the people she was talking to. She had people pulling up there Kindle app on their phone and downloading Breaking Faith.
After standing in line for a couple hours we were finally let in. As we were herded inside the Rainbowroom in Fresno my anxiety skyrocketed. My brain started yelling at me that throwing my book onstage was the worst idea I had ever had (that’s saying something)
I started imagining throwing my book and having it land on the ground never making it to the stage. So it could be swept away with the discarded tickets and empty cups at the end of the night. Or worse making the stage and knocking Lzzy or Joe out. Or worser (I know) hitting the stage and causing a fire.
Ugh.. These thoughts were paralyzing so as Lzzy Joe Josh and Arejay began their acoustic set I stood there holding this damn albatross. People around me were hitting me and whispering in my ear to throw the stupid thing.
The band ended their acoustic set and left the stage as they were getting plugged in. Everyone yelled at me saying I missed my chance.
My anxiety was in full swing. When this happens I shut down and want to just forget my idea. I also didn’t want to ruin my night. I was watching my favorite band play.
When they came back I tried to get into the concert but it is hard to throw your horns \m/\m/ when you are holding a book.
Lzzy launched into their song
I am the fire. I adore this song and the lyrics were just what I needed to push the voices in my head down.
I was still worried about not making it to the stage so while they were taking a break I tapped on a man next to me. He was super tall and he was there with his wife and kids. I figured he was cool and he could toss it over his kids heads without worry of hitting them.
He asked if I wanted him to wait until they came back to the stage. At first I said yes, but then I realized I didn’t want him to have to hold it and hinder his enjoyment so I told him to just toss it then.
He did.
It landed on the stage and slid.
Everyone around me cheered. It was insane like we had all accomplished something together.
Joe picked it up and I almost had a heartattack.
He asked the guy who threw it if it was his book. Once again everyone around me started screaming and pointing at me. It was surreal. I’m not going to lie I felt like a rockstar.
Joe asked if I wrote it and signed it. I nodded my head with my mouth hanging open.
He said Thank you and put it on LZZY’S keyboard. Holy shit.
When she came out and moved it so she could play I freaked out. Breaking Faith stayed on her keyboard as she serenaded it with one of my favorite songs.
I’m not sure what happened to it after that. I’m going to hope she has it somewhere and the pages are not being used as toilet paper for a transient but either way it was awesome.
Hand job from Jesus
Posted: January 29, 2016 in authors, comedian, comedy, humor, stand up comedyTags: #author, #handjob, #hollywoodjesus #kevinleelight, #jesus, #sunsetstrip, #thecomedystore, comedian, comedy, wehojesus
As some of you know being a stand up comedian is one of my goals in life. I tried it a couple years ago for my birthday and had the time of my life. I have wanted to go back but I haven’t had the opportunity as of yet. Here is the link to that one time
It was my birthday, and I will embarrass myself if I want to!!!!
Weeks ago JM and I found ourselves kidless. When this rare occurrence happens we end up at The Comedy Store on Sunset.
Close to the end of the night Sunset Strip Jesus came in. Glided in? Walked on a really long sandbar? ( I didn’t have the balls to do that joke in front of him)
Anyways…Don Barris was on stage closing us out (the Sam Kinison set) when good ole Jesus struts in. People stopped listening to Don to Snapchat Jesus. Don stopped his set to bring him up onstage to get pictures. Since it was close to Christmas Don asked Jesus what he got for his birthday? His answer was candles. Which was hilarious.
It’s now 2:30 in the morning. On the way out of The Comedy Store I asked Jesus if I could get a picture. This man is huge. Case in point look at my shoulder and my hand. They look miniature.
Sunset Strip Jesus asked if we come to The Comedy Store often. JM explained every chance we get because I want to pursue comedy. This giant turns to me and says, “let’s here it.”
So this is how I end up at 2:30 in the morning on the sidewalk in front of The Comedy Store on Sunset Strip doing a bit for a man dressed as Jesus.
I was stupid nervous. I tell him the first thing he needs to know about me is I’m a massage therapist. So to make things even more awkward he holds out his gargantuan hand. And what do I do? I start massaging it while I go into my happy ending set. At some point he grabs my hand and I watch as it becomes encompassed in his large hands. This is when I realize I’m getting a handjob by a man dressed as Jesus while talking about jerking someone off. According to JM he knew when this thought went through my head because I stuttered and my ears turned bright red.
Anyways I finished my bit and was told I was funny and should try the open mics. He did say I went too fast, but fuck (one T not two) I was nervous.
I told him I want to do the comedy university, but $470 is not available to me right now. Maybe I should start a kickstarter. Kidding.
So there you go. My Jesus Hand job story.
heyitsmejoy
itsjoysworld.net 